waterfall of words

Sometimes i wish words could flow out from my fingertips like waterfalls
one after the other
quickly and fluidly
without hesitation
just then i backspaced
just then I hesitated to write the next word
why can't my thoughts be magically transcribed into writing?
writers block
is not my friend.
I want to write
so much more than I do
but i find the words only flow like water when there is also water flowing from my eyes
i need an emotional push
a plunge deeper inside of me
in order to find the well of words from which to write
i think this is why i like visual things much better than words
an image captures everything just the way it is
just the way i see it and at the same time
it captures all that i feel and think about it as well
its all there
represented visually
no need for transcription
a picture is, after all, worth a million words
I think that's my problem
when I try and write about the pictures in my head
I freak out
because I know I could never write a million words
and that even if I could
they would not describe exactly what it is I am seeing in my head.

Home

Out on the waves I feel pure happiness. The water is where my soul goes to rest. In its deep enfolding push and pull I find balance. I breathe in the salty air and fell like I am home.

Ah how I have missed you, beautiful blue ocean.

Love Is

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." — St. Augustine (via atomiclanterns)

Fallen

Fallen
back into
the same routine
how can I escape
the comfortable torture
known as you?
pull
push
fall
that is the pattern
of my beating heart
when you enter my mind.
Confusion
feelings
thoughts
memories
tears
laughter
screams
punches
scars
that is what happens
to me.
I fall for this trick
of yours
every time
fall back into something
that is suffocating me.

Can't Sleep

I feel like I am dreaming,
but I am not yet asleep.
I sit here staring at lit up pages
with nonsensical words
images
statuses
for what?
nothing.
They give me the gift of nothingness.
My mind chews on these bits and pieces
takes it off of the bigger things
that my heart just can't seem to swallow quite yet.
even after 3 months.
I feel tired
yet I fear the pillow upon which my head will rest
for the moment I allow my mind to drift away
it will bring me back to you
or her
or it.
Images,
words,
feelings
all come to surface in my dreams
the torture me with the facade of reality
and I awake
shaken
crying
alone.
"It was just a dream"
I say to myself.
But it felt so real.
So I sit here staring at this machine
until my eyes can't take the pressure of my eyelids
until I give in to my body's needs
and lay down on the battlefield of my broken heart,
not sure of what awaits me in my dreams.

Feelin' Fine, only if it is for a moment

I feel good tonight.
After months of tears and heartbreak, tonight I feel happy.
I feel like I can breathe without something stabbing my lungs.
I know it probably won't last forever, this sudden feeling of joy, but I welcome it into my sore, broken heart.
It can stay as long as it likes.

I don't need you anymore.
I have me.
Single, and for now happy.

One by One

One by one

I eat them

The dark chocolate covered raisins

One by one

They go down

I know what they’ll do when they hit the bottom

One by one

They’ll tear me apart from the inside out

As my stomach tries to combat them

One by one

They will overcome

My stomach will be too weak to fight them

One by one

They go in my mouth

And I start to think of the memories

One by one

They flood my mind

Ripping my psyche apart at the seams

One by one

They drown me in misery

The tears flowing from my eyes

One by one

My tears fall into my lap

My hands drenched in sadness

One by one

I eat these dark chocolate covered raisins

Knowing in the end they will hurt me

One by one

Our memories

Will kill me

Ocean

Link to my Tumblr.

Ocean: A poem.
Check it out.

http://carolinesfollies.tumblr.com/post/3190699902/ocean

Signs

Today was actually good.
Its been awhile since I had a whole day start well and end well.
I think what made it that way was how packed full of things it was.
7:30- wake up
8:20- eat bagel and banana at DX
8:50- walk to class
9:05- 9:55 AM Intro to Communication Theory
10:10- 11:00 AM Communication Skills
11:15- 12:00 eat lunch and do Astronomy Homework
12:20- 1:10 Intro to Cinema
1:25- 2:15 Astronomy
2:15- 3:15 Math Studying
3:30- 5:30 Movie Screening for Cinema (Dracula)
5:30- 7:00 Chorus
7:00-8:00 Dinner with Brad and friends
8:00- 9:15 My first Bible Study
9:30 Deets Run
10:00- 10:30 Hall Meeting
10:30- finally relaxing
That was my full day. Busy. Busy is what I need these days.

I also went to my first Bible Study tonight. I literally bumped into an old high school friend, Brad, after my chorus rehearsal let out. He then invited me to his Bible study. I decided to go. I thought "why not?" It might take my mind off of things. So I went to Owens for dinner with him and then I went with them to the Bible study. They were really nice and I liked the opportunity to meet new people. I have always wanted to try a Bible Study out, not sure how I'm going to like it honestly, but I felt like tonight seeing Brad and his invite was a sign. I am really down lately. I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life and I think that this is God's way of holding out a hand and saying "its okay, here is something that will help you." I walked home tonight from the study happy for the first time since the break-up. I mean genuine happiness. I almost cried tears of joy. Just feeling the cool air, the rain on my cheeks, I felt so happy. I smiled and whispered "I love you" to the night sky, or rather to God. I have always had faith that there is a God or higher power, but I have struggled with religion. It makes me squirm a bit. I am torn, because I grew up with church, and in a way it is a true comfort to me. I guess I'm just always afraid of saying I know something written in the Bible to be absolutely true when there are other religions out there and other texts that are aiming for the same thing. I love God. I know He exists. I have felt his presence and lived guided by his signs. I feel very blessed, but I have these feelings of unrest and confusion when it comes to religion. I feel like I have to start somewhere and that a Bible study will at least give me a better knowledge of christianity. Then I can start leaning about other texts as well, just for knowledge. All I know is, the Bible study and the people there comforted my broken heart, and I felt happy walking home in the dark cool rain. That is a major breakthrough and I can't ignore the sign that I need this in my life right now.

God truly is amazing. Love is amazing.

Love is all you need.

Easy to Let Go Of

What I don't think I will ever understand:
How a man who once loved a woman with all his heart can suddenly not, and just a suddenly love someone else.

Being replaced really sucks.

The One You Want

Remember?

Mind Made Up, Heart Closed Up

I've made up my mind

for what I believe to be

the final time

can I stay away?

I will only tell by the days

that pass by

so slowly

torturing me as each second slips by

time lingers in your absence

like your presence lingers in my soul

it will take years to shake this feeling

of being so far gone

you have become a drug

I'm addicted to your words

whatever they may be

I call you up to get a hit

and then crash when I hear the receiver click

I long for a chance encounter

just a chance to see

the face that once loved me

the withdraws consume my body

eating my heart from the inside out

the pain takes me over

i shake and sweat in bed

dreams, nightmares filling my head

they continue through the day

ghosts breathing down my neck

I can't escape

my addiction

it chases after me

but I must overcome it

learn to put you away

you put me away

now its my turn

I must walk away

and never look back

at our love that was

at my broken heart

I must learn to close it off

become cold and numb

and make up my mind

once and for all.

Goodbye is what you want,

so goodbye my love.

Alone

You are everywhere.
And yet you are nowhere to be found.

I see your face in the faces of others,
I feel your touch as I brush by strangers,
I hear your voice in every song sung,
I smell your scent in the air above me hung.

My heart drops into my stomach
when I hear your name
If by chance I see you
I suddenly cannot breathe

Sometimes I think I am fine
I find myself laughing at something someone said
But something always brings me back
down through the folds of my torn broken heart.

and I hit the bottom
enveloped in the darkness,
I then remember what my mind tried to forget,
I am all alone.

You are everywhere,
and yet nowhere to be found.

I and Love and You

Music heals.
So I listen.
I listen all day long.

Photo Blog

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This is Exactly How I feel...

Taylor Swift: Last Kiss Video Link


I still remember the look on your face
Lit through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered
For just us to know
You told me you loved me
So why did you go
Away?

Away...

I do recall now
The smell of the rain
Fresh on the pavement
I ran off the plane
That July 9th
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms

And now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is 
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember
The swing in your step
The life of the party, you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then
You pull me in
I'm not much for dancing
But for you I did

Because I love your handshake
Meetin' my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/last-kiss-lyrics.html ]

And I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather and time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So
I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is
I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss
Forever the name on my lips
Forever the name on my lips
Just like our last...

Broken Promises, Broken Heart

 I remember a time
not too long ago
you said you'd love me forever
you promised eternity

but then why now are you gone?
so quickly from my life you left
feeling nothing left
in your heart for me

you promised to always hold my heart
and never let yours leave mine
said you would love for always and forever
with all your heart and soul

it seems only yesterday we were happy


laughing
holding
kissing
loving

telling each other how we never wanted those moments to end
we wanted to stop time
because nothing else mattered
but our love

i loved you so much
i guess I loved too hard
I must have done something
to deserve this eternal pain

you left my side so easily,
so quickly moved along
saying you felt nothing
and that we were not right anymore

how could you promise me forever and for always
only days before this happened
talked of pleasures yet to come
and then BAM this happened

and here I lay
broken
beaten and bleeding
all our love onto the floor

broken heart.
broken promises
broken love,
that i feel will never mend.

:(

Im trying.

Im trying.
Just so you know.
Sorry you don't want to see how sad I am.
You don't want to see my tears, see my pain flowing from my eyes.
Im sorry that I feel you don't care.
But do you?
You seem so okay already.
Like nothing happened.

I am trying.

trying to move on like you have.
its only been 2 weeks.
Be patient please.