Ocean

Link to my Tumblr.

Ocean: A poem.
Check it out.

http://carolinesfollies.tumblr.com/post/3190699902/ocean

Signs

Today was actually good.
Its been awhile since I had a whole day start well and end well.
I think what made it that way was how packed full of things it was.
7:30- wake up
8:20- eat bagel and banana at DX
8:50- walk to class
9:05- 9:55 AM Intro to Communication Theory
10:10- 11:00 AM Communication Skills
11:15- 12:00 eat lunch and do Astronomy Homework
12:20- 1:10 Intro to Cinema
1:25- 2:15 Astronomy
2:15- 3:15 Math Studying
3:30- 5:30 Movie Screening for Cinema (Dracula)
5:30- 7:00 Chorus
7:00-8:00 Dinner with Brad and friends
8:00- 9:15 My first Bible Study
9:30 Deets Run
10:00- 10:30 Hall Meeting
10:30- finally relaxing
That was my full day. Busy. Busy is what I need these days.

I also went to my first Bible Study tonight. I literally bumped into an old high school friend, Brad, after my chorus rehearsal let out. He then invited me to his Bible study. I decided to go. I thought "why not?" It might take my mind off of things. So I went to Owens for dinner with him and then I went with them to the Bible study. They were really nice and I liked the opportunity to meet new people. I have always wanted to try a Bible Study out, not sure how I'm going to like it honestly, but I felt like tonight seeing Brad and his invite was a sign. I am really down lately. I'm going through one of the hardest times of my life and I think that this is God's way of holding out a hand and saying "its okay, here is something that will help you." I walked home tonight from the study happy for the first time since the break-up. I mean genuine happiness. I almost cried tears of joy. Just feeling the cool air, the rain on my cheeks, I felt so happy. I smiled and whispered "I love you" to the night sky, or rather to God. I have always had faith that there is a God or higher power, but I have struggled with religion. It makes me squirm a bit. I am torn, because I grew up with church, and in a way it is a true comfort to me. I guess I'm just always afraid of saying I know something written in the Bible to be absolutely true when there are other religions out there and other texts that are aiming for the same thing. I love God. I know He exists. I have felt his presence and lived guided by his signs. I feel very blessed, but I have these feelings of unrest and confusion when it comes to religion. I feel like I have to start somewhere and that a Bible study will at least give me a better knowledge of christianity. Then I can start leaning about other texts as well, just for knowledge. All I know is, the Bible study and the people there comforted my broken heart, and I felt happy walking home in the dark cool rain. That is a major breakthrough and I can't ignore the sign that I need this in my life right now.

God truly is amazing. Love is amazing.

Love is all you need.

Easy to Let Go Of

What I don't think I will ever understand:
How a man who once loved a woman with all his heart can suddenly not, and just a suddenly love someone else.

Being replaced really sucks.

The One You Want

Remember?

Mind Made Up, Heart Closed Up

I've made up my mind

for what I believe to be

the final time

can I stay away?

I will only tell by the days

that pass by

so slowly

torturing me as each second slips by

time lingers in your absence

like your presence lingers in my soul

it will take years to shake this feeling

of being so far gone

you have become a drug

I'm addicted to your words

whatever they may be

I call you up to get a hit

and then crash when I hear the receiver click

I long for a chance encounter

just a chance to see

the face that once loved me

the withdraws consume my body

eating my heart from the inside out

the pain takes me over

i shake and sweat in bed

dreams, nightmares filling my head

they continue through the day

ghosts breathing down my neck

I can't escape

my addiction

it chases after me

but I must overcome it

learn to put you away

you put me away

now its my turn

I must walk away

and never look back

at our love that was

at my broken heart

I must learn to close it off

become cold and numb

and make up my mind

once and for all.

Goodbye is what you want,

so goodbye my love.

Alone

You are everywhere.
And yet you are nowhere to be found.

I see your face in the faces of others,
I feel your touch as I brush by strangers,
I hear your voice in every song sung,
I smell your scent in the air above me hung.

My heart drops into my stomach
when I hear your name
If by chance I see you
I suddenly cannot breathe

Sometimes I think I am fine
I find myself laughing at something someone said
But something always brings me back
down through the folds of my torn broken heart.

and I hit the bottom
enveloped in the darkness,
I then remember what my mind tried to forget,
I am all alone.

You are everywhere,
and yet nowhere to be found.