waterfall of words

Sometimes i wish words could flow out from my fingertips like waterfalls
one after the other
quickly and fluidly
without hesitation
just then i backspaced
just then I hesitated to write the next word
why can't my thoughts be magically transcribed into writing?
writers block
is not my friend.
I want to write
so much more than I do
but i find the words only flow like water when there is also water flowing from my eyes
i need an emotional push
a plunge deeper inside of me
in order to find the well of words from which to write
i think this is why i like visual things much better than words
an image captures everything just the way it is
just the way i see it and at the same time
it captures all that i feel and think about it as well
its all there
represented visually
no need for transcription
a picture is, after all, worth a million words
I think that's my problem
when I try and write about the pictures in my head
I freak out
because I know I could never write a million words
and that even if I could
they would not describe exactly what it is I am seeing in my head.

Home

Out on the waves I feel pure happiness. The water is where my soul goes to rest. In its deep enfolding push and pull I find balance. I breathe in the salty air and fell like I am home.

Ah how I have missed you, beautiful blue ocean.

Love Is

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two." — St. Augustine (via atomiclanterns)

Fallen

Fallen
back into
the same routine
how can I escape
the comfortable torture
known as you?
pull
push
fall
that is the pattern
of my beating heart
when you enter my mind.
Confusion
feelings
thoughts
memories
tears
laughter
screams
punches
scars
that is what happens
to me.
I fall for this trick
of yours
every time
fall back into something
that is suffocating me.

Can't Sleep

I feel like I am dreaming,
but I am not yet asleep.
I sit here staring at lit up pages
with nonsensical words
images
statuses
for what?
nothing.
They give me the gift of nothingness.
My mind chews on these bits and pieces
takes it off of the bigger things
that my heart just can't seem to swallow quite yet.
even after 3 months.
I feel tired
yet I fear the pillow upon which my head will rest
for the moment I allow my mind to drift away
it will bring me back to you
or her
or it.
Images,
words,
feelings
all come to surface in my dreams
the torture me with the facade of reality
and I awake
shaken
crying
alone.
"It was just a dream"
I say to myself.
But it felt so real.
So I sit here staring at this machine
until my eyes can't take the pressure of my eyelids
until I give in to my body's needs
and lay down on the battlefield of my broken heart,
not sure of what awaits me in my dreams.

Feelin' Fine, only if it is for a moment

I feel good tonight.
After months of tears and heartbreak, tonight I feel happy.
I feel like I can breathe without something stabbing my lungs.
I know it probably won't last forever, this sudden feeling of joy, but I welcome it into my sore, broken heart.
It can stay as long as it likes.

I don't need you anymore.
I have me.
Single, and for now happy.

One by One

One by one

I eat them

The dark chocolate covered raisins

One by one

They go down

I know what they’ll do when they hit the bottom

One by one

They’ll tear me apart from the inside out

As my stomach tries to combat them

One by one

They will overcome

My stomach will be too weak to fight them

One by one

They go in my mouth

And I start to think of the memories

One by one

They flood my mind

Ripping my psyche apart at the seams

One by one

They drown me in misery

The tears flowing from my eyes

One by one

My tears fall into my lap

My hands drenched in sadness

One by one

I eat these dark chocolate covered raisins

Knowing in the end they will hurt me

One by one

Our memories

Will kill me